Four rounds of IVF that drained our savings and our spirits. I still remember the last failed attempt. The quiet drive home from the clinic.
Adam reaching across the console to hold my hand, neither of us speaking because we both knew. That was the end of that road. «We can still have a beautiful life,» Adam said that night as we sat on our porch swing.
«You and me. That is enough.» And he meant it.
We slowly rebuilt our dreams. We traveled. We poured ourselves into our careers.
We renovated the house room by room until it was the showcase home I had always imagined. Adam supported my business when I decided to launch my own interior design firm. Our life was full, if different than what we had first planned.
My younger sister Cassandra was always in the periphery of our happiness. Four years younger than me at 30, she had always been the wild child of the family. While I was studying design and building a business, she was bouncing between jobs and relationships.
Our parents constantly worried about her, which translated to them making excuses for her behavior and bailing her out of financial troubles repeatedly. Cassandra and I had a complicated relationship from childhood. She was undeniably beautiful, with the kind of effortless charm that drew people to her.
But there was always an undercurrent of competition from her side. If I achieved something, she needed to one-up me. When I started dating Adam, she suddenly became interested in law students.
When we bought our house, she complained for months about her apartment, fishing for our parents to help her upgrade. It was exhausting, but Adam encouraged me to maintain the relationship. «She is your only sister,» he would remind me.
«Family is important.» Two years ago, Cassandra started dating Tyler, a bartender she met while out with friends. He was handsome in a rugged way, with tattoos covering his arms and a motorcycle that our parents disapproved of.
Their relationship seemed volatile from the outside, with dramatic breakups and passionate reconciliations. Then came the pregnancy announcement at Thanksgiving dinner the year before Adam died. It was unexpected, to say the least.
Cassandra had never expressed interest in having children. In fact, she had frequently commented on how my desire for children was giving in to societal expectations, yet there she was, announcing her pregnancy with theatrical tears and declarations about the miracle of life. I felt the familiar sting of jealousy.
After all our struggles, all our heartbreak, Cassandra had accidentally achieved what we had desperately wanted. But I pushed those feelings down. I was genuinely happy for her.
And I was determined to be the best aunt possible to her child. Lucas was born a healthy 8 pounds, 4 ounces. I was at the hospital with flowers and a handmade blanket I had spent months knitting.
Cassandra seemed overwhelmed by motherhood from the start, often calling me in tears about Lucas’s colic or her exhaustion. I stepped in as much as I could, sometimes watching Lucas overnight so she could sleep. Adam was less involved with Lucas than I was.
In retrospect, I thought it was because of our own infertility struggles, that it might be painful for him to bond with a baby that was not ours. He was always kind when Cassandra brought Lucas over, but he maintained a certain distance that I never questioned at the time. Then came that terrible Tuesday morning.
Adam complained of a headache before leaving for work. I suggested he stay home, but he had an important client meeting. «Just a migraine,» he insisted, kissing me goodbye.
«I will call you after the meeting.» That call never came. Instead, I got one from the hospital.
By the time I arrived, he was already gone. Brain aneurysm, they said. Nothing could have been done.
He was 36 years old. The next days passed in a blur of arrangements and grief. Cassandra was strangely absent during most of it, sending text messages claiming Lucas was sick or she could not find a babysitter.
When she did appear at the funeral, she stayed briefly, keeping to herself and leaving before the reception. I was too numb with grief to think much of it at the time. One week after we laid Adam to rest, Lucas’s first birthday arrived.
The last thing I wanted to do wa
